*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
You Might Also Like
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler