priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
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i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.