I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I’m about to risk it all
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?