Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
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Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock