did it work
You Might Also Like
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.