Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”