Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Mad Max: Furry Road
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”