The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it