I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
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My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees