*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence