The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
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Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Incredible customer service.