Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too