Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.