Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
much to think about
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”