me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Saw online –
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly