[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.