[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
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*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.