[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement