[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.