“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Cause of death: Zumba
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.