mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”