Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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it’s finally my moment to shine
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.