My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
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Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
This meeting could have been a cake
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe