Missionary, so we can keep arguing
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Breaking news:
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.