I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.