Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT