Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Favourite diary entry ever
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what