*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”