A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Think I pulled my liver
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My whole life was a lie.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.