Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Cats (2019)
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I am never leaving this website
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?