Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
the saddest jazz hands ever
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.