Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?