Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that