Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Woke up against my better judgment again
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.