“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I unironically love this joke.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?