Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!