Blew my mind.
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!