Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.