who will stop them
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Google Pay be like:
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool