My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
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Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
fired
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.