I’m dying louder than usual today.
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.