Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.