Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
what it’s like dating me:
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
me and the Superbowl rn
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.