I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My safe word is Worcestershire
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.