Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My biological clock is wheezing.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
i actually laughed 😩
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.