My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
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What number SPF blocks people?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[at the general store]
me: one general please
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…