of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
You Might Also Like
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My dating profile:
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
This fish is cracking me up
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.