I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Sing it!
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.