“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
pls suprot
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.