I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
is it earth
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.